Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
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The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened