[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
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Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.