If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
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Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Sorry. Not sorry
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.