doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
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My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.