mentally somewhere in italy
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PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Well, that didn’t work.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC