Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
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[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking