If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
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I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Matt Goss
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.