One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
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This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like