When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
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If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Would you wear it?
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
That 👊
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
New mindset, who dis?
#JohnTravolta
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.