screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
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Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”