Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
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Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!