I’m a self-made hundredaire
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This is my favorite one of these!
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.