My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
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“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Never forget.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love