A face that lunched a thousand chips.
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I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
You are what you delete.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you