There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
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What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
it’s finally my moment to shine
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.