Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
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party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
how high up are we talkin’?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.