me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
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Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.