As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
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A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
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“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly