NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
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I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn鈥檛 know you could still buy those.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don鈥檛 have to bend over
This is my brand.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
i don鈥檛 know what i鈥檓 going to be for halloween so i鈥檓 probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Oh we鈥檝e met.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Me: they鈥檙e my service bees
Him: but they鈥檙e not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they鈥檙e trained
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
It was to keep our furry overlords content馃槈
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Me: please, I鈥檝e tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don鈥檛 do Tupperware
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
You want a puppy? … correct me if I鈥檓 wrong, but didn鈥檛 you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that鈥檚 how the fight started.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well