Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
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I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it