4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
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Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
a lot to unpack here
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Me in tagged photos
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.