Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
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Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened