Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
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If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
This was a bad idea all around
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
live, laugh, laundry.