if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
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I have never related to a cat more
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Snapes on a plane.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun