do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
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bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.