Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
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“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
When someone trying to leave me
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
That’s classic.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]