Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
You Might Also Like
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Best mom ever 😂
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you