I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
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I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
me after eating Cheetos
iPhone X
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.