If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
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I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.