15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
You Might Also Like
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
This week’s mood.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
going to the ER y’all need anything
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)