Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
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364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
You are what you delete.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*