Do furries go to doctors or vets?
You Might Also Like
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.