Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
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Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
happy friday
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride