True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
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It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind