do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
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people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.