“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
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Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier