The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
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Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
new shirt idea
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I created you as mosquito food.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Perfection.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works