Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
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My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
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Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Every house has this drawer
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.