Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
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You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.