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If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??