“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
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You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
good morning
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*