Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
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Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder