Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
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At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Mouse
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Pikachu found the lost joint
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.