Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
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Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.