Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
You Might Also Like
I’m just playing devils avocado here
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early