It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
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OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why