*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
You Might Also Like
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]