drew a comic about my origin story
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Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
rise and shine we got egg
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.