Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
You Might Also Like
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
not to brag, but mine was free
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.