When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
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Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Oh we’ve met.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Happy thanksgiving
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁